Farewell, You

We tend to see the world as a mirror in which we choose to partake in the analysis of self. What stresses us is usually a product of our own views of ourselves, not the lenses in which others see us. Primarily, as women, we are held to a high standard in terms of the ideal body types, facial features and personality traits that we believe to be superior over others. We trick ourselves into thinking that, if not all, some parts of ourselves do not meet societal expectations, leading to self-loathing and a lack of self-esteem. The apparent issue with this is that the world we are living in is inhabited by people who feed off of our insecurities in order to imbue themselves so deep into our psyche that we lose sight of who we are. This inebriation begins when a skilled individual decides they are going to make you subject to them, in return for fleeting moments of “love” and self-worth reappearing in your reflection. The danger in this, though, is that you become so dependent on these unexpected rushes of dopamine, so when you don’t receive them, you are conditioned to keep waiting and blinking into the mirror, expecting, until there is none of your individuality to view left. You are chasing nothing but a fad, a feeling. 

A prime example of a character in society that portrays the imbedder is Joe Goldberg in Netflix’s “You”. The series follows a young, attractive man with a disturbing obsession with controlling women. The audience gains a deeper understanding of what true manipulation and dissociation look like, teaching women to identify red flags before it is too late. Each woman in the show has something in common – they are all self-conscious, looking to be loved and appreciated. Joe sees this as a void for them to enter when he feels their characters are broken down enough to puppet them. By gifting these women with tender compliments, recognizing their goodness and speaking to them in such a devoted way that modern dating life has practically abandoned, he secures their places in his cage.

We become so addicted to the feeling of being someone’s everything, the center of their attention, that we can miss the real reason why they are making us feel so invaluable. Manipulation is a big factor in this because once you can do a good enough job convincing someone that they will never be loved by someone else the way they are loved by you, they are very likely to never leave your side, out of comfort. Joe effectively manipulates by stalking and studying women. He premeditates meet-cutes, finds out quite literally every detail about them and is able to trick them into believing that they are destined to be together by educating himself on their interests, desires and longings. He manufactures the ideal man that each woman would want and plays the part flawlessly. He does not fear minor breaks in character, though, because he is too confident in his technique and performance.

As women, we like to think we are smart enough to see good and bad plainly, but we don’t recognize the fact that every human has flaws and blind spots. When we have someone feeding us validation that we are enough in a world where we believe does not see our true value, we become blind to signs that it could be too good to be true. And, think about it, when that person does something bad we have to believe that it’s not actually bad because if we get tricked by them- the person we gained every ounce of confidence from first of all, we’ll lose our place on the pedestal they’ve crafted for us and second, we’ll realize that we are not as smart as we thought we were. Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? Thus, we decide to choose ignorance. Any time you’ve caught yourself thinking ‘no one else would understand’ or ‘they’re the only one who really knows me’, recognize those aren’t your thoughts– they’re the voice of someone who’s already inside of you.

People like Joe enjoy guiding us to let our guards down. They pride themselves on being able to hypnotize us so carefully that we, people who never lost free will, will actively choose to listen to them instead of ourselves. It makes the game that much more rewarding when you are aware that the person you are targeting has the option to be their own person, but instead chooses to devote themselves to you because they’ve become so dependent on you, your words of affirmation. In modern-day dating, love bombing is a relevant term to discuss when analyzing manipulation. Love bombing essentially is when a person says and does exactly what they believe we yearn for, in return for dictation over their actions and choices. Many of us become subjected to people who we believe are all right for us, but we do not see the real reason why they seem so good; to us, it feels heavenly to be seen, heard, wanted and loved. And the scary part is that it really is not that hard to be Joe, or people with similar behavioral patterns akin to him, because we are so quick to fall for people who treat us, even incrementally, like we are enough.

Choice plays a significant role in all of our lives. We can choose to be confident and we can choose to be a pawn in someone else’s chess game. No matter what happens, we still have choice gifted to us at birth. Yet, the parts of society we choose to believe have warmed themselves so deep into our brains that our beliefs are no longer ours. These jaded beliefs have made us have warped visions of beauty and love, altering the way we see ourselves. Our perception is a reflection of who we are choosing to be and who we are choosing to attract because of what we think we deserve. The choice only feels like it disappears when we let others take control of our decisions and our minds. We choose to walk blindly into cages, constructed by people like Joe, that strip our identities and as we devour our last supper as our true selves, we mistake the taste of venom for honey.